Childfree Abby - A Soulmate By Any Other Name Is An A$$hole10 July 2006Message ID: 12b4mpt4qafjnd1@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: I was in a terrible marriage for 23 years; however, I raised two great children. I remarried a few years ago. My second husband is my soul mate. But his sons, ages 16 and 12, are manipulative and lazy; they lie and steal. They're required to do dishes, to shower and keep their rooms clean, but it only happens after big arguments. It's not their fault as my husband is a terrible father, and gets mad and yells at me when I suggest consequences for their actions. I've got them into counseling and tutoring, but lately I hate them all. I did go for counseling myself. Now, I want to leave. -- OVER IT DEAR OVER IT: Leaving is always an option, so put it aside while you contemplate the results. You'll lose a soul mate, but gain peace of mind -- except perhaps for the niggling feeling you could have helped those kids. Now, consider what it'll take to stay. You need a verbal contract with your husband to tackle this together. You both need to come up with a consistent parent response to bad behavior, and that's where joint counseling could be helpful and informative. Currently, he feels judged by your telling him he's wrong and that you have the "right" methods. A third-party professional would do better at helping the two of you form a mutual plan. If you give this a try for a few months, the results will provide your answer about whether to stay longer.
Dear Over It, Hold the bus. My esteemed counterpart is laying a wholly uncalled-for guilt trip on you. Don't start packing your bags to leave on that particular trip. What can you do that you have not already done? You have tried counselling and tutoring, it is doubtful whether it will do any good. As you are no doubt aware, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. As in many cases such as this, Mr Soulmate knows full well what needs to be done here. And what is he doing? Instead of dealing with the problem as a reasonable adult, he is wasting energy shooting the messenger, namely you. You call him your "soulmate". Okay... what then exactly are you to him? From what I see, your place here seems to be to tend to him and his kids and otherwise keep your mouth shut. Soulmate isn't word I would use here, the word I would use is A$$hole. If Mr. Soulmate yells at you because of his own shortcomings, it is time to leave him to his hellions, and do so entirely without guilt. If that is how he chooses to raise - and I use the term loosely - his kids, then that is his choice. His kids are his responsibility, and he has made that very, very plain, so let him deal with the consequences. You have tried, and your efforts have been rebuffed. You tried to make a difference, and it didn't work. Now you want to leave. Do so.
Childfree Abby
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