Childfree Abby - Toxic Family Values16 August 2006Message ID: 12e69e02vqm5ma1@news.supernews.com
Dear Abby: My wife of five years has three sisters. She is the second oldest, and ever since I have known her, she has felt like she doesn't "belong" in her family. These feelings get worse during holiday get-togethers. She feels isolated by her sisters and her mother. I thought she would eventually grow out of it, but because they have all had kids, it has only gotten worse. She cries every time we leave her parents' house, and I know it is affecting our son. What can I do to help her get over these feelings of not being liked or loved by her own family? It is starting to affect our marriage. -- Carla's Husband Dear Husband: There is nothing you can do to "help" your wife get over the feeling that she doesn't measure up. But she can start talking to a licensed psychotherapist about her feelings. If she is in tears every time she leaves a family gathering, it might be best if you limit your -- and her -- exposure to those relatives, at least for a while.
Dear Putz, From the tone of your letter, the only thing that has been done about your wife's situation is that it has been swept under the carpet with the vague hope that she would "eventually grow out of it". Are your wife's feelings valid? She is feeling them, she is suffering from them and they are indeed, very real - while you, her husband and partner, don't seem acknowledge the fact that there is likely a very real cause for feeling the way she does. Entertain this possibility: She may very well be not liked or loved by her own family. Here's a thought. Why don't you actually sit down and talk to your wife about her feelings and why she feels that way? Acknowledge her feelings. Yes, it may well be effecting your son, but imagine the hell she must be going through. Judging from the wording of your letter, you don't seem to be the most supportive of individuals, since you can't even entertain the probability that there may be a very good reason for feeling the way she does. Again, from the way you wrote this letter, you seem to think that the problem is all hers, and therefore she is the one that must be fixed. Buddy, it ain't necessarily so. Yes, counselling may help, when she is ready for it. In the meantime, talk to her, LISTEN to her, and do not dismiss and trivialize her feelings. If you don't, it really will effect your marriage. Oh, and don't go where it hurts to go. Develop your own holiday rituals, stay home and away from the source of the pain, you will all be happier.
Childfree Abby
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