Childfree Abby - It's All About Me06 September 2006Message ID: 12ftltdqlor5m4f@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: I'm a married man, 35, who didn't realize my wife of six years was perfect until I had lied to her, repeatedly cheated, lived with another woman and filed for a divorce. When the court date came, I found excuses to avoid it. We have a 4-year-old whom I haven't been a father to, as I was always working and partying with other women. Last year, my wife took me back only for me to do the same things. Now she wants the divorce and I don't. I spent 81 days in jail due to bad business, and I'm now trying to fix everything I destroyed. She had to leave our home and move into an apartment with my son. I left them with nothing. She says the marriage is over and we need to start over, like dating, and then hopefully return to a marriage. I feel that won't show my son the ultimate goal, that of being a family. I know she'll be bitter and I'll have to endure much criticism. But I feel that if I'm willing to take that on, I must truly love her. I feel that going through the dating process will just confuse things, as our history and issues won't go away anytime soon, so I feel we should work through them together now. It will finally make me a man, a husband and a father. -- REFORMED DEAR REFORMED: Not so fast. Only you can turn yourself into a responsible man, husband and father; it'll take time, and no marriage license will make it happen. You're a lucky guy for your wife to be giving you another chance to prove yourself. Frankly, I believe that her plan is showing your son a generous example of forgiveness tempered by caution. It so happens that you've always been a family, albeit a dysfunctional one that has wounded everyone, including this innocent boy. The path to becoming a healthy, loving unit is through slow steps -- with open discussions about everyone's past hurts and present needs. You'd all benefit greatly from family counseling, which you can seek through a community agency.
Dear Reformed, Contrary to what you seem to think, I don't think you are reformed at all. As a matter of fact, I don't think that you have even set foot on that trail. Dude, the way you led your life before was all about you - your partying, your affairs, your work. There was no thought, no consideration about how your actions were hurting other people, such as your wife and son. So, you went to jail, and when you went in, you were a self focused and self indulgent asshole. Surprise! Now that you are out you are still a self-focused, self-indulgent asshole because you haven't learned a damn thing. You have not even acknowledged the agony that you put your wife through, let alone, let alone displayed any true remorse about it. As I see it, you are seeing her more as a possession than as a person. Your wife is offering you a second chance at this marriage. Dawg knows why because you sure don't seem worth it to me as you are now whining that it is not the chance you want. Here's your first lesson, putz: beggars can't be choosers. Dude, you are lucky you are getting any chance at all. Most women would have booted your sorry ass over the gates with a "Fare thee well and never come back". It's not up to her to make you feel like "a man, husband and father" when you have been none of those things in the past. Those are things that you have to prove to her, and from the tone of your letter you have utterly failed to grasp that point. Now it's up to you: Quit complaining about the dark and pull your head out of your self-absorbed rectum, and realize for the very first time its not about what you want, its about what other people need. So, you have reformed? Talk is cheap; put your money where your mouth is and prove it.
Childfree Abby
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