Childfree Abby - Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone29 September 2006Message ID: 12hq843eerq9963@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: I have a beautiful 20-year-old daughter. The problem is, she lacks self-esteem due to an ongoing skin problem. If not for this, I swear she could be a model. Since she was 13, the doctors have told her that she will outgrow the skin condition, but it hasn't happened. They also told her it is her hormones, not her diet. As a result of this disfigurement, my daughter will not continue her education (she quit high school) or seek employment. She is somewhat lazy as well. Unfortunately, she inherited more of her father than me. (We're divorced.) He also had bad skin as a child, and has the lingering marks on his face to prove it. I try to encourage my daughter and always tell her how pretty she is, as does the rest of her extended family. I cannot get her motivated in any way. What can I do? -- Devastated Mom in Massachusetts Dear Mom: Has your daughter seen a dermatologist recently? There are new techniques that might work on her skin. Regardless, your daughter has been using it as an excuse to avoid life. She doesn't need to know how beautiful she would be with perfect skin. She needs to understand that she is responsible for her future no matter what she looks like. Ask her to consider seeing a therapist who will help her work on her self-esteem and other issues. Your doctor can recommend someone.
Dear Mom: Not to trivialize your daughter's dermatology problem, as that can be devastating no matter what your gender, but has anyone, including you, considered that there is more to your daughter than just her skin? Judging from the tone of your letter, I don't think so. It seems that the only value that anyone, including you, has ever placed on her is how she looks. Let's face it - none of us, for whatever reason, is perfect. Furthermore, high school is hell for just about everyone, pretty or not and even more so if you see yourself as physically undesirable. Has anyone in her entire life encouraged her find her self-worth in other areas? There are many - scholarship, athletics, creativity, to name just a few and each one of them could have helped to build her own feelings of self-worth, independently of her skin condition. How about instead of saying "you are pretty" which is something that she more than likely finds both patronizing and condescending, but rather "You are smart" (presuming she is, of course). For the love of Dawg, find something positive about her that does not hinge on the physical. Beauty is only skin deep, and it fades. Furthermore, it seems that beauty these days is more presentation than anything else. Even those models you mentioned; take them down off the catwalk, scrub off the makeup, and the best you can say is that they are incredibly average, if not ugly as homemade sin. Yes, go to the dermatologist, and yes, get her therapy, but dammit, lay off the "pretty" and for her sake, focus somewhere else.
Childfree Abby
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