Childfree Abby - The Last Word20 October 2006Message ID: 12jhlr51f6ht78@news.supernews.com
Dear Abby: My mother is in her early 70s, and her health is deteriorating after a lifetime of alcohol abuse and smoking. She has been in and out of hospitals for different ailments over the last four years. The last few episodes have been the most worrisome, including problems related to congestive heart failure. My mother chooses not to let most of her children know when she goes to the hospital. She's a very manipulative person, and she has her "favorites" who know everything -- while the rest of us are kept in the dark, even about life-threatening ER visits. My sister, who is on Mom's favorites list and gladly plays along with this sick little game, doesn't have a problem with it, and we recently had a heated argument over it. I am not on the favorites list, as you might imagine. I keep my wife and children away from my mother as much as possible because of her repeated verbal and emotional abuse. Abby, I am dreadfully scared that I'm not going to get to say goodbye to my mother when she finally dies. Please tell me what I can do to make sure it's not too late when it does happen. All I'm asking for is a courtesy phone call -- that's all. -- "Paul" in Pennsylvania Dear Paul: Please do not hold your breath waiting for a "courtesy phone call"; the odds are against you. Your sister is sitting pretty just as things are, and your family dynamics are too entrenched and dysfunctional for significant changes. Rather than worrying about what is inevitably going to happen sooner or later, my advice is to take the bull by the horns and say goodbye to your mother now. If you can't do it in person, then do it in a letter -- which will guarantee you the last word.
Dear Paul, Let's take a step back here and try to view this dispassionately: The gist of your letter is that an alcoholic who has chronically abused you and your family emotionally and verbally is about to slip off this mortal coil sooner rather than later. If this were any normal acquaintance, it would not be an issue because if anyone treated you and yours in this manner you would not give them the time of day. That being the case, the imminent demise of this person would not even be a blip on your radar. Unfortunately, you happen to share genetic material with this person and that fact is causing you distress. In the first place, Paul, stop flogging yourself. You are allowing your mother to continue to manipulate and control you just as she always has. She will continue her manipulative ways right up until her last breath and there is nothing you can do about it. While you may not have said good bye to your mother, she certainly said good bye to you long, long ago. In the second place, what exactly do you expect to accomplish in this last farewell? Some great epiphany that she abused and emotionally tortured you all of your life? Some outpouring of maternal love, fondness and tender farewell? One last chance to tell her she was an abusive old bag? Yes, I know that there is some need for closure here, but be realistic: the first two scenarios will never happen. As for the third, she will never admit it. Your mother is playing you right up until her very last moment. She is trying to put her skeleton in your closet and make you feel guilty long after she is gone. For the sake of your own sanity, don't buy into this sick little game any more. If she chooses not to let anyone beyond her personal favourites know of any medical crises, it is just that: her choice. My esteemed counterpart's idea of a letter is a good one. Only I would choose a card that says something along the lines of "bon voyage, toots" and let it go at that. I remember hearing of the funeral of a woman much the same as your mother: The final music at her funeral was "Ding, Dong, the witch is dead." You may not want to go that far, but it is a thought.
Childfree Abby - terminally
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