Childfree Abby - Idle Hands09 November 2006Message ID: 12l6pqub0pbr60d@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: I'm a divorced mom of three grown daughters: Two are married, the other is engaged. I'm constantly worried their marriages will fail and they'll go through the grief and depression I suffered. I lie awake nights stressing about things that aren't right in their unions. How can I help create a strong supportive family unit? I was trying to keep us all together by celebrating birthdays and holidays, but their spouses' families also want holidays with them. What role can I play without being a meddlesome mother-in-law? -- SLEEPLESS DEAR SLEEPLESS: Rule No. 1: Do not meddle. Rule No. 2: Stop transferring your own regrets onto your daughters. They're aware of your divorce and want to avoid following suit. How they manage that is their business, not yours. Creating family traditions is fine, so long as you don't make each occasion a high-pressure event. The best way to be supportive to adult children is to listen when they talk and give advice only when asked.
Dear Sleepless, If you are staying awake at nights worrying that your daughters will divorce, you have too much time on your hands. But let's explore this: Is there any inkling that your daughter's marriages are in trouble? Not to mention the fact, one of them isn't even married yet. No? You have decided to worry about something over which you have no control and furthermore is not your business. Yet you are tying yourself up in knots about it, and all because you are divorced yourself. Now about "stressing about things that aren't right in their unions": Sugar, unless one of the parties involved is being abusive in any way, it is not your place to judge what is "wrong" in their marriages. The fact is, you are being a meddlesome old bag. I will lay you good odds that your daughters are getting bloody tired of it. I have some recommendations for you: 1. Accept the fact that your daughters are all now adults with lives of their own. These lives involve other people, and do not revolve around you. You are not going to have them for every holiday and birthday, because there are other people who share in their lives. Guess what? It is not the end of the world. 2. If you want to be part of a supportive family unit, then for the love of dawg, butt out of your daughters' marriages. You have no right to be there. If you want to maintain good relations with them all, that is what you must do, maintain good relations. Make being around you, and talking with you pleasant, not endless whining about what you see as "not right". 3. I reiterate from above: You have too much time on your hands. It would be better for all concerned if you found something to occupy yourself besides turning your daughter's lives into a soap opera for your own gratification. You cannot live your life through them. Go places, meet people, volunteer as a dog walker at the animal shelter - whatever it takes, do it. Fill your mind, fill your time and I guarantee you will sleep better at night. 4. Let go. Your daughters' marriages may last forever, they may not. However, there is nothing you can do about it one way or the other. Your daughters are adults and this is called "Life" and it goes on whether you are married, divorced or single. I don't think that you have ever clearly grasped this fact as you don't seem to have ever come to terms with your own divorce. So, with that in mind, put your own house in order.
Childfree Abby
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