Childfree Abby - Can You Be Sure He's Leaving?29 November 2006Message ID: 12mr7vbg2up0o48@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: I've always considered myself to be levelheaded, but somehow I've ended up in a four-year relationship with a man I suspect is a sociopath. At the beginning of our relationship, "Wilbur" bragged that he'd cheated on every woman he'd ever been with. He insisted he had changed, and I trusted him. Of course, he hasn't changed at all. He's cheated on me at least three times that I know of. He's never apologized, and has left me and my children (who adore him) repeatedly without a word of warning. Every time Wilbur leaves, a month or two goes by and he gets in touch again. I desperately want to believe he really loves us, so I take him back. Then I'm supposed to act like nothing's happened. If I hold him accountable, he calls me a lot of nasty names and puts me down. Wilbur moved in with us last Christmas, and it's been a nightmare. The other night, Wilbur blew his top over something petty and said he's had it and is leaving at the end of the month. In the meantime, he's been searching the Internet for a new sex partner. He made a point of rubbing my nose in it. Wilbur has paid half the utilities for the month, so he thinks he's entitled to stay. He was fired from his job, so while I'm at work, I have no way of protecting my belongings from being stolen or vandalized. He's done that before. I'm a wreck. I don't feel anything merits a call to the police, but I also don't feel my home is safe. I know I got myself into this mess, but how do I get out without things getting really ugly? -- Lost in the U.S. Dear Lost: Can you have someone house-sit while you are at work? Can you lock up your valuables? Can you take time off work at the end of the month? At the very least, if Wilbur takes or ruins your things, be sure to file a police report so there is a record. Change the locks once he's out. And under no circumstances should you allow Wilbur back into your life. Ever.
Dear Lost, I really have to wonder how someone who defines herself as "level-headed" winds up in a 4! year! relationship with someone with the truly tasty personality traits of Wilbur. It doesn't meet with any definition of "level-headed" or even sane, that I know of. Face it, you are so damn needy you have been willing to accept this jerk in your life, and not only that welcome him back with open arms every time he trashes you. Your kids adore him? So friggin what? Wilbur doesn't love anyone but Wilbur. What sort of example are you setting as a parent by allowing and actively pursuing this lowlife? The only thing they are getting out of it is that it is perfectly fine to be treated like yesterday's garbage. Now to your current problem: The end of the month is but one day away, hopefully, you have made it through without Wilbur stealing your possessions and trashing your home. As I can see it, your biggest problem now is that you have no guarantee that his ass will be out the door tomorrow. Accept this: Wilbur has to go, and that there is no way that it WON'T get ugly. It already is ugly and whether he goes or stays, things will get worse. The thing is, if he goes, and you have the heretofore undisplayed spinal fortitude to stick to your guns and keep him out, things will get better. (unless, of course you go out and find another "Wilbur" to take his place.) If you don't, then it won't. You seem to be under the impression that Wilbur has some rights in this situation. I am no legal expert in your particular location, but I suggest that you get the lead out and get some solid information about what you legally can or cannot do. Is Wilbur's name on any of the bills? Thought not. Call your local abuse hot line, because what is happening to you constitutes abuse, and find out your rights. If it is possible, call the police and have him removed, and as my counterpart has suggested, have a locksmith standing by to change the locks and never have any contact with him again. If he calls, hang up the phone without so much as a word. If he comes to the door, call the police and have him charged with trespassing. Never, ever have anything to do with him again.
Childfree Abby
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