Childfree Abby - So You Can't Afford Counselling01 December 2006Message ID: 12n0h4jehff0c93@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: After my difficult divorce four years ago, two of my children went with their father, the other stayed with me. Recently that daughter was lured back to her father. Meanwhile, I've been dating this wonderful man for 10 months, but he's extremely jealous and it's escalating. I cannot spend much time with my friends because it upsets him. He sulks. Our arguments could've contributed to my child moving away and now I feel guilty. However, my independence has been a problem in past relationships. Unlike my boyfriend, I fear getting attached. Unfortunately, pushing loved ones away doesn't help, as they leave, and that hurts just as much as if they'd left on their own. Part of me can't stand being alone, but part of me needs the freedom to be with the people I choose. How do we handle his jealousy and my independence? I don't want this to kill our relationship. I can't afford counselling. -- ANTI-JEALOUS DEAR ANTI-JEALOUS: I believe you can't not afford counselling, because breakups are also costly, both emotionally and financially. And you two are headed for disaster unless you both learn to adjust your negative traits. Any man who can cause your child to leave the household to avoid the dynamic between you is already on his way to isolating you. For a woman who claims to be independent, it's a bad sign that you let this happen. You mistakenly think you have to give in to this guy's jealousy and neediness in order to maintain a relationship. There are social service agencies that offer counseling at fees geared to income, and you need to get professional help as a couple -- or, if he won't go, for yourself.
Dear Anti, So, you can't afford counselling. Ok, if that is the case, then end this relationship immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Your daughter was not "lured" away by your ex. She was driven out by this so called "wonderful" man with your implicit permission. Here is a clue, Turtledove: In the first place, you are not nearly so "independent" as you seem to think you are. In the second; "wonderful" men are not so "jealous" that they isolate you from your friends and family. In the third, you are so afraid to be "alone" that you are willing to give up your friends and your family so that you will be "alone" with him. Here is a another clue: Loverboy is going to get worse. He will start checking up on you at work. He will monitor your every move. He will do anything to keep you under his thumb. Piece by piece, bit by bit, he will destroy whatever self-esteem you have. He will screw with your mind so badly that you will believe that you don't deserve anything better than him. Here is a final clue: Loverboy is not "wonderful". He is an insecure little shit with the emotional age of a 12 year old. This relationship is an abusive one, and if it is not checked now it will escalate, in due course, to physical violence. Healthy relationships are not based on jealousy, insecurity (both his and yours) and fear. Good relationships are based on trust, therefore if is no trust then there is no relationship. If you can't afford counselling, then end this relationship. Even if you do go to counselling, this is likely to be the advice you will be given also.
Childfree Abby - Seasonally
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