Childfree Abby - She Called Your Bluff11 December 2006Message ID: 12nqsnndp2m90cf@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: My wife is in love with a guy she met in college. When we used to bicker, I'd always say, "Let's separate," but I never meant it. Perhaps from desperation, she met up with this guy again online and fell in love. After awhile, he fell in love with her and then it was all long chats, e-mails and phone calls for four years. I knew this early on and regretted treating her wrongly and propelling her to fall for someone else. Then I got jealous. I asked her to stop. She ended frequent contact but he's always in her thoughts. She's indifferent to me. Our child is our only point of communication. We hardly ever have sex. She says everything is fine and she no longer has any intense feeling for me. Neither of us wants to separate. But staying this way with the emotional coldness is a big punishment. What do I do? -- IGNORED DEAR IGNORED: You offended and pushed her away; she shut you out so you can't hurt her anymore. But there's some hope left, if only you'll seize the chance before you both accept living in this deep freeze. Apologize. Repeatedly. Tell her -- no matter her reaction -- that you know you were wrong to constantly threaten her with separation in the past. Say you now want to work hard at repairing your relationship for the sake of your child, as well as to both have a healthier, happier life. Start seeing a counselor even if she won't go. Your willingness to learn and change will provide evidence that you're sincere. Let's hope that in time, she'll agree to go, too.
Dear Ignored: Here is a lesson for someone else, if not for you: Never threaten anything that you don't intend to follow through; this threat could well blow up in your face. I have to ask you, why did you threaten separation in the first place? Did it make you feel strong? Powerful? In control of your wife? All of the above? Well now, dude, you are none of the above. You never fought fair, you acted like a petulant two-year-old and now it's come back to bite you in the ass. The tables are turned, and your words and threats no longer have the desired effect on your wife; you used to delight in pushing your wife's buttons, and she changed the buttons. She called your bluff and now you feel threatened and supplanted, and powerless. You say you feel upset you are living with emotional coldness. So, what this says is you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Personally, I think that the last time you said "Let's separate", your wife should have said simply "Sure, and don't let the door hit you on the ass." Then gone on to to a more satisfying relationship with someone who is so insecure he has a need to make threats if things don't go his way. Counselling may help, but frankly, I doubt it in this case. Your wife made up her mind, and has emotionally ended your marriage. I have no doubt that physically, it will end also.
Bed. Oh, and don't let the door hit you on the ass.
Childfree Abby
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