Childfree Abby - You are Not as Close as You Think You Are29 December 2006Message ID: 12pbhupkh630j2d@news.supernews.com
Dear Prudie, I am 27, so maybe I'm a little old to be hung up on stuff that happened during my childhood. My father was fairly abusive and hit me for pretty much anything. I can't remember a time when he was affectionate toward me. A lot of this is history, but the problem is regarding our current relationship. My mother wants us to be close, which I simply can't bear. This means showing him the same kind of affection I show my mom (who I am close to). He buys me and my boyfriend very expensive stuff that I do not want but don't know how to refuse. I feel these come with strings attached - how can I accept this stuff and then, well, not hug him? I made my feelings clear to my mother, after he threatened to hit me again while I was at his house. In a moment of complete rage, I told him that if he did, I would punch him back. I told my mother privately that this was a relationship I couldn't sustain beyond a polite acquaintance. She now pretends the conversation never occurred and is demanding that I speak to him over the phone every week and kiss him on the cheek when he visits (they live close by, and I see them every one or two months). I find these things difficult to do, especially because he hasn't changed and he has never exhibited any kind of regret for the relationship we've had. I feel helpless and frustrated. -- Don't Know What To Do Dear Don't, This is not history, this is ongoing abuse - your father recently threatened to assault you. Although you feel you and your mother are close, I'm afraid you have to recognize that she has abetted his mistreatment of you all these years, making her, in her own way, just as sick as he is. She now wants you to feel guilty for not being affectionate to a man who beat you while you were growing up and would like to continue now. Since she didn't do what she needed to do as a mother, maybe she feels she can justify her own behaviour if she can pretend you and your father have a "loving" relationship. Bah! It will be a painful emotional reckoning for you to see both your parents in a different light and redraw your boundaries. But for your physical and mental health, you must deal with your childhood and its aftermath—the effects of abuse can cast their shadow over a lifetime. You need help to sort through all this. Start by looking for a therapist at the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Web site. The Broken Spirits Network is an online support group and clearinghouse for victims of abuse. Stop telling yourself this all happened long ago and you should be over it. It wasn't long ago, and examining what happened to you can make the rest of your life much better.
Dear Don't, I have to agree with my esteemed counterpart on this one: your father was not the only abuser in this household. Your mother stood by and let it happen. You may think that you and she are closer because she wasn't beating you, but think again: who stood by while your father was beating you? She knew it was happening and did nothing, so do not try to excuse the inexcusable. This is a form of abuse even more insidious than what your father perpetrated upon you: he abused your body; your mother is abusing your mind. Now, the same thing is still happening: your father is threatening physical abuse and she is pretending that nothing is happening. Your mother doesn't love you as much or in the way you seem to think she does. Face the facts: you are not, and will never be close to your father. The pretense of being close to your mother is just that: a pretense. If you want to free yourself from this sick little facade, first, stop accepting those expensive gifts. Start by saying simply "No, thank you", repeat as necessary. If you continue to accept them, you give him/them (as they see it) carte blanche to continue this charade. You will be much happier and much more at peace with yourself if you cease contact with the both of them and look to your own healing. Your father is an abuser, your mother is in denial and they won't change; but for your own wellbeing, you must.
Childfree Abby
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