Childfree Abby - Moving on - Him31 December 2006Message ID: 12pgvo8lnhmgc7@news.supernews.com
DEAR MARGO: Recently I got engaged to a woman I've known for four years and had a rather tumultuous beginning with. She is the ex of a very good friend of mine and broke it off with him three years ago. When he found out we were seeing each other, he was irate. He attempted to talk me out of it, and we had a lengthy argument that ended with me hanging up on him. Nowadays, things are calmed down to the point where we can speak, but it feels forced, at least from my end. We've seen each other a few times, but there are these quiet moments where I feel like he's about to attack me. That's probably just paranoia, because he shows no outward signs of his anger. My question is: What do I do about him? We grew up together, and he told me once that I always got everything he wanted. So, do I pursue a friendship again, do I cut ties, or do I invite him to the wedding? The worst part of this debacle is he was going to be my best man, up until I finally chose the woman I'd marry. --- MR. H. DEAR MR.: This kind of situation is very touchy, made worse by the feeling this guy has that you got everything he set his sights on... including the girl. I would not pursue the friendship, nor would I cut ties. I would let it be what it's going to be. Do invite him to the wedding, for old time's sake, and if he can't manage it, that will be his decision. As for the best man business, well, that's kind of a non-starter now, isn't it? Do remind yourself that you did not set out to steal this woman from him and she was unattached when you two struck up the band. Have a lovely wedding.. --- MARGO, PHILOSOPHICALLY
Dear H, To reiterate my esteemed counterpart: your fiancé was a free agent at the time the two of you began your relationship; the relationship between her and your friend was over. He had no claim on her or her on him. Two things may be happening: he may have some very valid concerns why you should not pursue this relationship. Or, and given the content of your letter, and more likely, he has not yet come to terms with the end of that relationship, or with the fact that she has moved on. This is a difficult situation: very bad vibes when you are in his presence, plus the fact that he feels "that I always got everything he wanted". While this may or may not be true in fact, it is true in his eyes, and that is enough to cause problems in this friendship. I feel that sooner or later, the issue of envy will come up again, and after that, again. So, given the above, you have to ask yourself, how comfortable are you with the idea of maintaining this friendship? From your letter, I would say, not very. Whether the rage you sense from him is just paranoia or something very real, it is still an issue between you. Unless you can honestly foresee that these issues being worked out, I would say that this friendship is over. You some options: Clear the air once and for all with your friend. Lay the cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. Granted, there is no guarantee of honesty. Do nothing, as suggested, invite him to the wedding, the "best man" thing is out, given the earlier disagreement. Again, let the chips fall where they may, it may blow over, it may not. One thing is certain, though: even if you manage to salvage it, this friendship will not ever be the same.
Childfree Abby
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