Childfree Abby - Moving on - Her31 December 2006Message ID: 12ph01gq9gq1mfa@news.supernews.com
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I divorced my abusive husband of 23 years. However, when he remarried I fell apart. Friends we have in common tell me they are happy, and his new wife is "good for him". Thoughts of why he could change for someone else, but not for his own family (we had two sons) eat me up. It has been a year since his wedding, and I am still hurting as if I want him back. Please help me. -- CRYING IN CALIFORNIA DEAR CRYING: Dry your tears and straighten up. Your husband and his new wife are still newlyweds. Leopards don't change their spots. His abuse of her may not have begun yet, because most abusers take some time to chisel away at their victim's self-esteem before the actual abuse starts happening. Also, these "common friends" may not be privy to what goes on behind closed doors. Most abused women blame themselves for it, and are so ashamed they keep it a secret. Because you are still hurting and comparing yourself unfavorably to the "new" missus, it's time to talk to your doctor about a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can talk this out with you. It will be money well spent. Consider it a shortcut to feeling better about yourself and the wise decision you made to get away from your abuser.
Dear California, First, I want you to get down on your knees and thank God, Allah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster and all of His noodley appendages that you are out of that relationship. Then stand up and give your head a shake. Second, you really have no idea at all whether or not he has changed one iota. As a matter of fact, I will lay you good money that he has not. The only thing you know is that he has remarried. As for what your friends say - what do they know about what goes on when they are not around? Did they know what was happening to you? As for the new wife being "good for him", that may be so. However, is he good for her? Remember, you were likely "good for him" too, probably too much so. I do have to ask, why are your friends telling you this? Are you asking them? If so, why? If not, why are they telling you? These mutual friends... may not be the "friends" you think they are. Deep down, my dear, you are still blaming yourself for the abuse. Stop buying into this, because by doing so, you are allowing his abuse of you to continue. Remember: this is not about you being "not good enough". It is not about your ex "loving" her more than he "loved" you. It is not about love at all, it is about power and control and he has just moved on to his next victim. As my esteemed counterpart said, therapy will help. Take back your life. 'Nuff said.
Childfree Abby
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