Childfree Abby - Hie Thee to a Urologist!19 January 2007Message ID: 12r1ubc4bg8cj88@news.supernews.com
Dear Abby: I'm active-duty military but retiring within a year. My wife is 38, and I am 39. We have three children, ages 20, 18 and 15. My wife has the urge to have another child, but I don't want to have another one. I have been looking forward to the time we would have alone with each other. I also know that our debt-to-income ratio is poor, and I was looking forward to climbing out of the red. Another child will not help things. Our relationship has been rocky for the past four years -- and up and down most of our 19 years of marriage. However, we always managed to bounce back. I'm afraid if I don't give in to another child, she'll resent me to the point that we won't be able to get over it. We are in counseling, but it hasn't helped. We are told to "compromise," but I don't know how to compromise over a situation like this. I'd do anything for her, but I feel as if this isn't the right thing for us to do at this point in our lives. I really need your help. -- Rock and a Hard Place in Virginia Dear Rock: Babies are blessings, but they can also stress a troubled marriage past the breaking point. Perhaps it's time you went for a different kind of counseling -- financial counseling. A financial counselor should be able to tell you if you can afford another child, and what the sacrifices will be if you do decide to have one. Your marriage has always been troubled. I'm not sure you can keep your family together and make everyone happy. Three children do not seem to have brought you and your wife closer. It's important that you be true to yourself.
Dear Rock and Hard, Unless this counsellor has come up with some way of having a "time share" kid, there is no compromise on this matter. Not to put too fine a point on it, but your counsellor has his/her head up his/her posterior, and yes indeed, it is very dark in there. Allow me to translate for you: what the counsellor means when he/she says compromise is "go along with your wife and saddle yourself with another kid." The problem here, I think, is that you and your wife started popping them out at age 18, your youngest child will soon leave the nest, and your wife has no other way of defining herself than as somebody's mommy. Either that or your wife is a nut case who thinks that having another kid will somehow magically solve all your problems and save your marriage. I am going to suggest something: Call her bluff. The first thing you do is hie thee to a urologist and get snipped. Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200.00. Will it end your marriage? Possibly. However, I have a suspicion that after 20 years of marriage and 3 grown children, she won't end your marriage because she can't have another baby. If she does, then you don't want to be in this marriage. at. all. One thing is for sure though: if you give in and have another kid, you will resent both her and this hypothetical kid and that can end your marriage and mean unremitting misery for three people. Personally, I think it is worth the risk. YMMV.
Childfree Abby - dealing the cards
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