Childfree Abby - Dysfunctional Family Values12 February 2007Message ID: 12t0tcilrh44c6e@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: I have never seen you address adult children abandoning their parents. Our son, "Jay," with no warning, confronted my husband and me about resentments that had been building for years. We had simply attributed his sudden remoteness to the fact that he worked six days a week and lived several hundred miles away. We were blown away by his comments. What's worse is that after we talked, he came back a month later and confided that the real source of his complaints was that his older brother had abused him in childhood. This was the most devastating news anyone could hear. I have literally lost weight over it. The fact that his older brother is a cancer survivor did nothing to mitigate Jay's resentment. Jay refuses to talk to his brother, or respond to our many attempts to contact him. He even ignored his own grandmother's funeral last summer. What really galls me is that we are the kind of family that often spoke of love and sincerity. We settled disputes fairly. The kids had a wonderful upbringing. I cannot fathom how Jay's counselor could recommend that he throw this firebomb and then drive away. How on earth can a counselor advise a client to follow a path that will surely split a family? How can we mend our broken hearts and bond the two brothers again? -- Lost and Bereaved in Connecticut Dear Lost and Bereaved: We know this is difficult, but we'd worry less about bonding the two brothers and more about Jay's healing. He was abused. He needs his brother to make amends for doing it and his parents for not protecting him, whether or not you were consciously aware of the abuse. No reconciliation can take place until those things happen. If Jay won't allow contact, you should seek family counseling and find out what steps will help you achieve some measure of peace.
Dear Lost, My, my, my. Jay really did upset the applecart, didn't he? Jay did the unforgivable: he stripped away the facade of the "happy family" and revealed the ugly underside. Let's take a look at your letter, Lost: It is all me me me, and not a single word of acknowledgement of Jay's pain. Furthermore, the gist of your letter is not "how can we help Jay", but rather "how can we plaster over this little rift, and restore the Potemkin walls of this family?" So, Jay's brother is a cancer survivor. What does that have to do with anything? Did that give him license to abuse his brother? Does that make him any less responsible for his actions? Evidently, you seem to think that it does. The way that this was mentioned leaves me with the feeling that disputes were perhaps not necessarily settled as fairly and the upbringing was not as "wonderful" as you present. Indeed, it seems that you closed your eyes to the situation as it was then, and you don't want to acknowledge it now. Stop blaming Jay, it is not his fault that he was abused, and don't blame his counsellor for confronting you about this long ignored issue. Stop swimming down DeNial and get your head out of your self-absorbed rectum. Try for a moment to put yourself in Jay's shoes: his brother was allowed to abuse him with impunity. His parents were so in love with the illusion of the "perfect family" that not only did they fail to protect him, they denied the possibility that things were not as perfect as they wanted them to be. Even now, when confronted by it, you won't even acknowledge the pain that he feels. Small wonder Jay doesn't want anything to do with the lot of you. I can safely say that there will be no reconciliation until all of you, at very least, acknowledge the abuse that went on. This also means not letting your other son dodge responsibility in this matter because he is a "poor widdle cancer survivor". Face it, Sunshine, things aren't going to be the same, not now, not ever.
Childfree Abby - disgusted
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