Childfree Abby - Weddinghell blues - once more, with feeling11 June 2007Message ID: 136qlbnsd1q8v2e@news.supernews.com
Dear Amy: I am a remarried father with two teenage sons and a wonderful 6-year-old stepdaughter whom I consider to be my own child. My younger sister is getting married in Chicago. We live in Denver. My wife is pregnant with our fourth child. This baby is due in June, and my sister's wedding is in August. This is an adult-only wedding, with the exception of the children that she has chosen to be a part of the ceremony. The problem is that my sister is only inviting my two sons (she wants one to participate in the ceremony). My daughter has a close relationship with her cousins, and I believe that being singled out and left out may upset her. Why would someone pick and choose which immediate family members can attend a wedding? I realize that this is my sister's day, but I feel that telling me to leave an infant and my daughter behind is wrong. Should I cave in to the pressures of my family and attend the wedding alone, or should I regretfully decline the invitation? -- Confused in Colorado Dear Confused: I agree that your sister is being rude and insensitive in inviting and including some of your children but not others. (For instance, nursing infants are generally exempted from the "adults only" rule.) However, you might feel that your sister is deliberately excluding your daughter because she is a stepdaughter, when the bride's decision might be entirely age-based. Couples who choose to have "adult-only" weddings face genuine challenges when they include children in the ceremony; they need to be sensitive to the needs of out-of-town guests who have children, as well as the siblings of wedding participants. You feel strongly about this, so you need to stand by your immediate family and send your regrets. Don't be punitive, however; just tell her that you tried mightily but couldn't work out a way to divvy up the kids on that day, so unfortunately you're all going to have to stay home.
Dear Self Absorbed Jerk, This issue has come up so many times that I am starting to feel like a broken record. Let me set you straight - you are in the wrong, Amy is in the wrong. This is your sister's wedding and what she says goes. From your letter, there is not one inkling that your stepdaughter is being excluded because she is a step child; this is an issue of age alone. Frankly, I don't know where my esteemed counterpart gets the idea that "adults only" excludes nursing infants; infants are usually the reason why the wedding is "adults only". Get this straight: this is not about you. It is about your sister's wishes on her wedding day. Sorry your daughter can't go, but unless you are the oaf making a huge issue about it, she won't care. Here is an idea, why don't you say to her, "you get to go and stay with your friend, aunt, whatever, for a couple of days while we go to this wedding and while we are gone you and < insert name here > get to go to < insert some favoured amusement >," and leave some $$$ for this outing. It really is all in the way you present it. Sorry your newborn can't go, but see above. Get a room in the hotel (or some nearby place) with a sitter and where your wife can go to nurse in private. I don't have to tell you that flopping a boob out at a wedding reception is really gauche, do I? I will agree with my esteemed counterpart on one thing: If you can't (or won't) find a way to cope with this situation, send your regrets.
Childfree Abby - matrimonially
|