Childfree Abby - there is a real "ick" factor here30 June 2007Message ID: 138bjfvnfqgo6c0@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: My brother, "Bob," is a very controlling, overprotective father. He has three teenage children. He has to know what they are doing at all times, even when they are in the house. When his kids were younger, they were not allowed to go on school trips unless my brother or his wife could chaperone. He doesn't allow his kids to be driven anywhere by anyone other than their parents. I think he loves his kids so much that he is afraid something bad will happen if he's not there to prevent it. Bob never encourages them to go outside, ride their bikes or play in the neighborhood. His wife generally follows his lead. We are especially worried about his 17-year-old daughter, "Jane," who still sits on Daddy's lap with her arms wrapped around his neck, playing with his hair. She also will sit next to her mother, with their legs intertwined. We are uncomfortable being in the same room when this happens. We don't suspect abuse or incest, or else we would speak up. Jane is an intelligent, sweet, timid girl. She sits with the adults, listening intently, but rarely speaks. Bob's child-rearing methods have caused friction in the family for years, but when we've said something, it results in an argument and the silent treatment. My parents are elderly, and we don't want to upset them with sibling squabbles at family gatherings, but we are finding it harder and harder to bite our tongues. Should we say something for the sake of the children? Or do you think that since the kids are loved (which they are), they can eventually break free and lead independent lives? -- Concerned Aunt Dear Concerned: If Bob's children are loved, provided for, happy and not abused, he and his wife get to decide how to raise them. We agree he seems overprotective, but kids who feel smothered in such an environment tend to make up for it later. All you can do is model healthy choices, letting these children see how their cousins are treated and making sure you stay close enough to be available to talk when, for example, the 17-year-old finds a boyfriend.
Dear Concerned Aunt, I would not be as quick as you and my esteemed counterpart to dismiss what I see as the very real possibility of sexual abuse going on here. What sends up a red flag for me is this: abusers like to isolate their victims. Dear ol' Bob seems to have done really nicely, way too nicely in my humble opinion. In essence, he has made it impossible for his children (and likely his wife, too) to interact with anyone beyond the immediate family circle; they can't talk to them, form no relationships with them and have no frame of reference of what is "normal". Bob's behaviour has gone far beyond the realm of merely "overprotective". It is sick, and likely getting sicker: a 17 year old should *not* be sitting on "Daddy's" lap and acting more like a lover than a child. Don't expect their mother to speak up, either she won't or she can't. If you feel uncomfortable being in the same room when this happens, there is a damn good reason for it. I don't think I should have to point out that it is extremely unlikely "Jane" is going to have a boyfriend. Daddy will never allow it. Oh please do not insult my/your intelligence by saying: "We don't suspect abuse or incest, or else we would speak up". By the virtue of the very fact that you mentioned it, you suspect it. You may not want to upset the applecart, but something is wrong here, very wrong indeed. There is one helluva cost to speak up, but even more (at least for Bob's children) if you do not.
Childfree Abby, creeped out.
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