Foreword

I haven’t seen anybody who was really virulent, and the “less than positive” comments that come up seem to center around the following four issues. So, since I could not respond in a lot of these forums (most of them require registration to comment and I just can’t be bothered) I will use my own personal soapbox to respond:

You don’t like children.

No, I don’t like every child that comes my way, but I don’t dislike every kid either. My real issue is with the parents of these children who seem to be utterly clueless about parenting. These are the same people who drag their children to inappropriate venues. These venues include but are not limited to: blues bars, theatre, concerts, and restaurants that have neither a “children’s menu” or crayons. Here is a clue: If your child is not old enough to be able to sit quietly for length of time needed to see a movie, play or concert or any other entertainment that is not geared specifically for children, then don’t take them. Of course, it’s not child-friendly, children are not supposed to be there. Not everything in the world can - or for that matter, should - be dumbed down/sanitized for children. I have an issue with parents who, for whatever reason, are not able or willing to teach their children appropriate behaviour, and expect the rest of us to put up with the inevitable results. It is the job of being a parent to raise that child to be a responsible independent adult. From what I have seen there are a lot of parents out there who are falling down on the job. Oh, please, don’t tell me that it is so hard to be a parent. I know it is, but that is the job that you - by your own free will and free choice - have taken on. If you are not up to the task, see the third issue.

You don’t seem to like families very much.

It’s not that I don’t like families; I just don’t harbour that many illusions about them. When a family unit works as it should, it is a good place to be: supportive, caring. Most importantly, the members of that family should feel loved. It seems to me that to a greater or lesser extent, those things are missing in a great many families. It is a fact that if one is going to be abused; physically, emotionally, psychologically or sexually, it is usually by a family member. Furthermore, the trauma of such abuse is greater because the perpetrator is someone you are related to; someone you are supposed to be able to trust.

The most common thing that I see is people using “family” as cachet to be inconsiderate, spiteful, offensive, manipulative, abusive and just plain rude to the people with whom they share genetic material. Furthermore, they don’t see anything wrong with that, either giving out or being on the receiving end of that behaviour. So I have to ask, why should one accept this treatment? If a friend were to treat you, or be treated by you in such a way, that person would not be your friend for long. Why should a family member be held to a different standard? I believe that if anyone in the world should treat you and be treated with at least a modicum of courtesy; it should be your family.

To be sure, extremes on both sides of the spectrum of angelic and abusive are fairly rare, and most fall somewhere in between. I just don’t accept what I see as a myth, namely the popular image of the nuclear family as it is presented. Furthermore, how “family values” would is defined is not universally accepted or for that matter, acceptable in some cases. So, if not accepting the “party line” and believing that people should be held accountable for how they treat other members of their family marks me as “not liking families” so be it.

You don’t believe that people can have children for the right reasons?

Okay, what exactly are the right reasons? Doing something for the “right reasons” implies that some thought has been put into the matter. The act of thinking, from what I have observed, is missing a lot of the time. It is an oft-quoted saying on ASCF that people put more care and thought into buying a car than they do having a child. Children do not just magically appear on the doorstep, nor are they delivered by storks or found beneath cabbage leaves. Children are a result of a very deliberate act where sperm meets ovum. Life is, for the most part, is uncertain but there are a few exceptions: death, taxes and the fact that if you have a child, your life WILL change.

Are you prepared to accept those changes? Are you prepared to accept the fact that when that from the moment of birth everything you need, want or desire comes second to the needs of that child until it reaches adulthood? That means, sleep, socializing, hobbies, whatever, takes the very back burner for a very long time.

Are you prepared to take on the responsibility of raising a child? Are you emotionally, financially, and psychologically prepared to take on this task? Do you have the discipline, self control and willpower that it will take to set the guidelines and boundaries necessary for parenting and stick to them for the good of the child?

Why do you want to have this child? (Be warned, a child will not shore up a sagging relationship. It will not help you “keep” your boyfriend/girlfriend.)

Does your partner want a child too? Don’t kid yourself that “he/she will love it when it gets here.” Maybe they will, but it is just as likely he/she will not. Is it worth the risk? A child should have two parents who will love and want it; not one who does and one who is coerced. To unfairly foist a child on someone who does not want it is not fair to either your partner or any hypothetical child. If he/she doesn’t want a child, and you can’t live without one, then it is best to go your separate ways and find partners more suitable to your goals

The above is, in essence what I say about having children: It is not “don’t have them” but rather ‘THINK’. If what I say means anything at all, it says, “think about this very carefully”. From my vantage point the above merely reiterates the “right reasons” concept.

If you want to have a child, then by all means have one. However, it would be a really good idea for all concerned if you considered all the above questions. If you do have one, don’t expect me or anyone else to cover for you if you have to attend junior’s recitals, soccer games etc.

Don’t you realize that if people stopped having children the human race will die out?

Oh my, I was wondering when that old chestnut would raise its hoary head. To be quite frank, I don’t see any chance of that ever happening. At this point in time, there are well over 6 billion people on this tired, overworked, overcrowded planet of ours. The resources of our world are finite and at this point stretched very, very thin. The food wars have begun, the energy wars are underway and the water wars, if they haven’t already started, they will soon. That being the case let me know when the population of the world drops to less than 2 billion. I might be concerned.

Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/